Which are you drinking?

I'm feeling kind of nuts right now. I somehow ended up getting food at kfc even after I decided I really can't afford to binge anymore. I was parked on some side street binging and the thought suddenly came to me: how the FUCK did I get here? Like how do I make these stupid irrational decisions? It's like I don't even know I'm making them. Right now I'm on a different side street polishing off a slice of chocolate cake and a slice of cheesecake because, I guess, thirty minutes ago it seemed sensical. My stomach hurts. My nose is bleeding (iit started bleeding after this mornings purge). I have the face of a homeless coke head right now it's all greasy and acne-d up and pale. My heart keeps having these weird twitchy episodes. My head hurts and my sinuses are unhappy too. I'm such a bundle of joy semi-comical misery.

I want some fucking drugs.

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Test

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I have the most messed up perceptions of myself. When I weighed 120 everyone thought I looked 110 and I thought I looked like 130. Now I'm 140 and people say I look 155 but I think I look 130. I'm so confused.

Some guy just rolled up blasting the funniest music I've ever hear: "I hope you go blind nigga cause then you would feel what I felt". You probably have to be here right now to think it's funny. Idk.

I'm going to a job interview and sending out letters for Lauren, liz, bubblemakergirl, and angelsandghosts! Sorry no candy or anything this time because I'm a selfmongering bulimic candy whorder. Next time!

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The first final draft of a story I've been writing for nearly a year is finally finished. Oddly enough I don't feel particularly accomplished, but I am very, very relieved. It would mean a lot to me if you would take the time to read it. It isn't even semi-autobiographical, it's just brain vomit. Things I think about over and over manifested in words.
___________________________________________________________________
( As Yet Unnamed (because I don't want to call it Uncouth Johann even though that's what it was originally called because I named my music project that, damn!) )

Yes, it is shocking, but it seriously took nearly a year to crank out four pages.
Yeah, it's shocking how much

So last year, around August or something, my friend Cary recorded some of my sad, silly music. I didn't listen to the CD until now because I was too scared, haha. But I did and its actually not bad once you get past the sloppy recording! Maybe I'm just blinded because I'm so in love with me but I don't love me so idk. I named me Uncouth Johann

http://www.myspace.com/uncouthjohann

ALSO: Haaaaiii talklikelions you're so funny on da phone when you're all tipsay ;DDDDDD!!!

I'm really glad my brother took my doctor's advice to take Zoloft because I think I'd still be in a state of severe panic if I hadn't sneaked a couple pills. Technically I'm supposed to be on Zoloft also but it would make me feel like a drug addict. I'd rather take my chances on a bath, the temperature of which is unpredictable and varies, sometimes violently, between hot and cold than a bath of stagnant, tepid water with which my body meshes so that I can't feel where I end and the water begins. Does that make sense?

My mom came home maybe an hour after I started breaking down over a couple stupid numbers on the scale and she made me feel a lot better. I confessed that I'd relapsed and for once she was really nice about it. She still doesn't really get it. She suggested I just eat healthy and "not think about it". I argued that it always starts out that way and ends up with the mess I'm in right now. I'm mad at my brother, my cousin and my friend. My weed dealer was kinder than they were though I suspect his wanting to come over and make me feel better has more to do with him feeling lonely than anything else (his kids are evidently staying with their mom for Christmas).

Despite (after so many years too!) still being semi-ignorant about my eating disorder one thing in particular that my mom said really made me feel better. I told her about Ani, KBOO's bearded volunteer coordinator and how much I admire her for accepting her facial hair to the point where she actually trims it and takes care of it. My mom said I need to start being more like Ani, and I agree. If I could be one person in the whole world other than myself it would be Ani because she's so comfortable in her own skin.

Earlier today I called a club and asked about auditions. They suggested I come in tonight for amateur night and thinking about Ani's inspired me to go! I figure if I were Ani I would shake my big chubby chunks all over the stage and if no one likes it to hell with them. Just an hour ago I was thinking of quitting dancing already because I'm a "fat mess". Now I just have to get a ride over there and I'll be golden.

I've decided I'm just going to stay up until I have to walk to the airport. Yes, walk, because I don't think any cabs or buses are going to be running tomorrow morning. Luckily the airport is something like three or four miles from my house so I can make it there within an hour if I scurry!

Fill this out because I'm interested in you all people things:
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Put iTunes on shuffle and compiled first lines of twenty random songs into a poem.


Thank you very much
I'm sailing away
Some plans were made and rice was thrown
My brain is workin' overtime

Someone found a future as a statue
Well I heard there was a secret chord
Here is a scale weigh it out
You're leaving me

Oh Comely
Thank you very much
Your prettiness is seeping through
I've been the highest of highs

And the first one tore a picture
Dit moi qu'est que tu pense (tell me what you think)
Splintered piece of glass falls in a sea
In this room I'm sitting by your side

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Applause and Talking - Ben Gibbard (not really a song but whatever)
Come Sail Away - Styx (lolworthy!)
I Believe in Symmetry - Bright Eyes
My Brain - Rivers Cuomo

Everything Means Nothing to Me - Elliott Smith
Hallelujah - Beirut
A Scale, A Mirror, and These Indifferent Chords - Bright Eyes
Saying Goodbye - Verse

Oh Comely - Neutral Milk Hotel
Applause and Talking - Ben Gibbard (different track same first words)
Naomi - Neutral Milk Hotel
No Man's Land - Sufjan Stevens

Naomi - Neutral Milk Hotel
L'amour et La Violence - Sebastian Tellier
Understanding in a Car Crash - Thursday
Starting on the Edge of Summer - Thursday